This is the first in a series of articles (if I'm spared) that address the BIG issues of the day. I know I've been guilty in the past of discussing quite minor points, like people's inability to signal on roundabouts, (don't get me started) - but this is a BIG problem. So no messing about.

And I know you'll be wondering straight off, "who the hell does he think he is, wading in here and solving everything, just like that?" Well... I'm old enough to have seen a lot of stuff, and not too old that I've started going mad, so I think I'm ideally placed. And I'm not a politician. Or religious. Ahem. How to Save the Planet. Easy, actually. What's wrong with the planet? Lots of things, almost all of which we seem to have (to be fair largely inadvertently) caused. So. We've got to go.

Yes we are the problem, so the easy answer is that there needs to be lot less of us.

Don't panic at this point, I'm not suggesting genocide. There's not that much of a rush. No. We just need to stop having babies for a while.

If there were a lot less of us, then there would be a lot less pollution. All things staying equal. No argument there, I assume?

Those that were left (and let's be honest, there would still be a lot) could carry on being as messy and polluting as now, without (much) of a care in the World. Which (let's be honest again) is probably what we will do anyway, won't we?

Let's say we just organised it to miss a whole generation. Pick an age range, and say, "right, no procreation for you lot". And when the desired level of world population had been reached, well we could say, "right, back on the job, off we go again!" The planet would have had time to draw breath, and start to get better. Repeat until fully recovered.

And the really truly glorious bit of my plan... is that it's a win-win! Just think what an absolutely fabulous life these folks we're banning from having babies will have.

Because you all know (deep inside) that having kids is just a pain in the neck - hugely time consuming, hugely expensive, hugely stress-inducing, hugely bloody painful. These people will have such a great time! They'll go on holidays, spend time in pubs and restaurants, read books, watch films, climb mountains, dive in oceans... all the things that parents can't do... it will be great!

All we need to do is to formally plan to look after 'em when they're old, which may well prove to be a better arrangement than the largely voluntary scheme we currently have, where your kids probably decide to disappear to Canada the moment you really need them.

Good Lord, this scheme is so green... so very cheap... so quick to implement... so guaranteed to work... so let's do it!

As the meerkat would say "Simples"